Checkmate
by Ferowyn
Summary: Hobbit Kink Meme Prompt: Thorin wants to raise Fili as his heir and Kili has to stay with his mother. WARNING: Incest
1. 1st Draw: The King

Prompt: : / / hobbit - kink . livejournal ?thread=3847490#t3847490

**1st Draw: The King**

Fascinated Kili lets his fingers run over the scarred blade of the old, ragged knife. He knows, he is not supposed to be doing this, but he has seen that knife in his brother's hands all day, never allowed to touch it. "You are too young," his uncle had said, and his mother had added: "You would hurt yourself." That is really unfair, for Fili is barely five years older than him (five years are nothing by dwarven standards!) but there is not really anything he can do about that, can he? He has always been one for bending the rules the way he needed them and his big, sad puppy-eyes had gotten him and his brother out of any kind of trouble, but this time it had not worked.

The black-haired dwarf may be young, but he already knows how to use what he is given only too well.

Kili hears Fili mumble something and cannot suppress a low chuckle. The older one uses to talk in his sleep and although his words are mostly blurred and not understandable it is rather amusing to listen to. The young prince can tell his brother's mood by his voice and it is not hard for him to guess what the blond dwarf is dreaming about. Giggling quietly Kili listens to his brother's delighted mumbling. Quite obviously his dreams are rather enjoyable.

He turns his attention back to the knife, turning it carefully, his tiny fingers grasping the hilt. It is the King's Blade. Thráin I the Old had been given it at his coronation and since then every prince of Erebor had received it on the day before he had begun his education. Tomorrow Fili would start to learn all those wonderful things as well and Kili is terribly jealous – he usually is part of whatever his brother does and that he cannot attend those lessons seems to be terribly unfair. He knows that he is too young and he knows that it is Fili who will inherit the throne, not him (he does not care about that particular part, for he knows being king means having to behave and that is something he is not very keen on) and he knows that he will have to learn most of it as well. He would much rather attend those lessons together with his brother, though.

Kili huffs lowly. He is well aware there is no way to change his uncle's mind, no matter how much he sulks or uses his sad puppy-eyes. Thorin is the most stubborn dwarf Middle Earth has ever seen, as his mother always says, and he will do what he deems right when it comes to raising his heir.

The younger one of the two princes sighs heavily. He knows, he should go to bed, it is very late, but he is way too fascinated by the King's Blade and his brother's silent sleepy laughter. He loves this sound, it makes him feel comfortable and at home like nothing else. He knows wherever Fili is – that is where he wants to be, too. And he also knows that he is the only one able to educe said sound from his brother in any situation.

The two princes are terrible pranksters and Kili feels like making Fili laugh is the meaning of his life, is what he is here for.

He giggles when he hears his brother grunt. Then the older one starts to toss and turn without a warning, obviously his dreams turning into a nightmare. Carefully Kili puts the knife back into the sheath he has taken it from and runs towards their bed, worried.

The blanket seems to have wrapped itself around the young dwarf's small body and Fili's fists are clenched, clutching to the cloth and pulling at it. Kili climbs onto the bed and gently loosens the knuckle-whitening grip of the short fingers, then lets his hands run through the mussed up hair. "Fili," he whispers. "Wake up!"

The older one opens his eyes and for a few seconds they are only staring at each other in the dim light of the lonely candle. Then Fili breaks into a grateful fine. "Thank you," he mutters and together they untangle the infernal blanket. "Did I wake you?"

"No, I could not sleep," Kili yawns and his brother chuckles lowly.

"You will be able to sleep now."

The younger one shakes his head. "Only after you have told me about your dream," he demands and Fili smiles sourly.

"Why do you always want me to talk about them?"

"Because you feel better afterwards." As much as Kili loves the sound of his brother's happy voice when he talks in his sleep, as much does he hate and dread the older one's nightmares. Fortunately they are quite rare, but sometimes they manage to take the blond prince's sleep for days.

Fili sighs. "It was just because of everything that happened yesterday… uncle's visit, and the King's Blade, and the knowledge that we will not be able to spend all of our time together from now on. I don't like to think about that." He frowns.

Kili smiles reassuringly. "We will find enough time," he promises. "We will still be able to make silly jokes at breakfast and dinner, and I will still wake you when you have bad dreams."

The older one nods slowly. "You are right. I will have to carry the burden of being the heir to the throne now, but you will carry it with me."

"Of course," the black-haired dwarf answers, squeezing his brother's fingers. "What else?"

Fili's smile is slowly returning. "What would I do without you, brother?"

Kili laughs quietly. "Probably go crazy."

Shaking his head Fili sits up. "Probably. So, what were you really doing up? Playing with the King's Blade?"

The younger one pouts. "You know me too well."

"True." The blond dwarf is grinning broadly. "You know that I don't want it, right?"

Kili shrugs. "It's not because it's the _King's Blade_. It's because you are allowed to have a knife and they think I am still too young. I bet with you Gimli will be allowed to learn fighting before me!"

Fili laughs. "I doubt that. Mother may be a little overprotective, but uncle will make sure you know how to defend yourself as soon as possible. He is a warrior and terribly paranoid, he sleeps with his weapons instead of a pillow."

The younger one cannot suppress a smirk at that thought. "I doubt that his axe is comfortable…"

"But it would explain his constant sour mood! Imagine you had to sleep on an axe every night – that has to make you cranky. Besides, he probably worries all the time that some of his hair might be cut off…"

Kili huffs. "That explains quite a lot."

They then dissolve into giggles, leaning against each other and gasping for air.

"Hush," Fili murmurs, panting. "We don't want to wake mother!"

The younger one's eyes widen. "Or worse – uncle!"

"Yes, he might take away our pillows and give us an axe instead!"

Kili does not even have time to roll his eyes at his brother before they erupt into the next laughing fit. If the blond dwarf wanted them to be quiet he should not say such stupid things. "But…" he pants for breath. "He could not give us his own axe, otherwise he would have to sleep on a pillow!"

Fili cocks his head and considers this. "Maybe his sword?"

"But that's not as uncomfortable as the axe and then everything would have been in vain!"

"True. Hmm… Maybe he would run and lend one of Dwalin's?"

"You truly believe Dwalin would give him one of his?"

"He is the king… he could tell him to."

"Yes, but Dwalin is married to his axes!"

This time Fili's eyes widen. "But that's polygamy! And I thought only the elves were doing that…"

"Better don't let him hear that comparison!"

Fili looks genuinely shocked. "Of course not, I don't have a death-wish!"

It goes on like that for the better part of the night and the two brothers fall asleep in the early morning hours, their legs entwined and Kili's head on Fili's arm. As always.

oOo

It is Dis who wakes them after what has been way too little time, but they try to rub the sleep out of their eyes, give themselves a cat lick and get dressed, for Fili does not want to be late on the first day of his training.

When they enter the dining room Balin, Dwalin and their uncle are sitting there with their mother, enjoying breakfast.

"Good morning," Kili beams, trying to hide the fact that the morning is not good at all. He does not want his brother to spend the day away from him, however, one look at his uncle tells him that he better not raise the topic.

Balin smiles kindly. "Good morning, lads. Please join us, you must be hungry."

Fili snorts. "My brother is always hungry!"

"Ah, but you aren't?" Kili immediately retorts and does not miss the amused glances Balin and Dwalin are exchanging.

"Well, there is enough for everyone." Their mother's smile appears to be a little strained, but Kili knows better than to ask for the reason. He is well aware that she is not happy about his brother's training either.

They take a seat and the dark-haired dwarf's gaze never leaves his uncle who seems to be even more broody than usually. His brother realises this as well and their joking does not come as easily as normally. Despite the older one's comment Kili is not really hungry, but he keeps eating, if only to delay the end of breakfast as long as possible.

Balin smiles knowingly. However, there is something in his eyes Kili has never seen there before, something dark and disapproving, something he can also see on Dwalin's features. Whenever they look at the king their moods seem to drop and Balin's smile fades a little.

Dis does not smile at all.

Kili is wondering whether he should be worried, but he has no chance to, for suddenly Thorin rises. "Come on, let's go." He makes for the door, not even turning around to look whether the others are following him. Fili picks up the package their mother gives him – it is rather big, but Kili forbids himself to think about that – and when he is standing in the doorway he turns around for a second, giving his brother a reassuring smile. _I'll see you later_, his eyes are saying and Kili forces a smile as well.

_Behave yourself_, is the meaning of his cheekily twitching lips and for a second Fili sticks out his tongue. Then he is gone.

Their mother closes the door and Kili sighs heavily. "What am I supposed to do now until he returns?"

Dis does not look at him when she answers. "You could practice your Khuzdul." Her voice is strange and Kili does not dare to ask.

oOo

The late afternoon has Kili sitting in the room he is sharing with his brother, trying to entertain himself with a few toys. If his brother were here they could lead their army of wooden dwarves into an epic battle, slaughtering orcs and having the elven king Thranduil kneel before them, asking for mercy. For a second his lips are twitching at that thought (Balin has told them about the lord of the woodelves, describing him very lifelike – as well as his ridiculous moose) but the smile is gone before it even has a chance to light his face.

He has spent the better part of the day sulking, not even thinking about the Khuzdul vocabulary he should be memorizing, waiting for his brother's return. Now, however, he is actually bored enough to grab the book and try to push its content into his mind, but there seems to be no place for uninteresting words like _passage_ and _trade_ and _dissolve_. If Fili were here they could spend the time making up stupid mnemonics and he would never forget them again.

The irritation and impatience win and Kili ends up throwing the book against the wall and trying to play with his toys once more, but there is no way he can concentrate on stupid elves and nasty orcs now. He tries to imagine what his brother is currently learning. Maybe uncle had started with showing him how to fight? But what weapon would he be carrying now – a sword or an axe? Of course that means that Fili's day would have been wonderful and exciting. However, no matter how much he wishes for his brother that he is having fun, he knows his uncle. Thorin may be a warrior, and he may want his nephews to be able to defend themselves, but he would most definitely initiate his heir's training with something unbearably boring and tiring, like etiquette or the memorizing of emblems and family trees.

Kili rolls his eyes when he thinks about his uncle. He will probably never understand him. On the one hand Thorin is the person who has always brought them the loveliest toys and the most delicious sweets, on the other hand he hardly ever gives his nephews a smile or tells them they have done something well.

The black-haired prince may be young, but he knows that his uncle has not had an easy life. Their mother has told Fili and him quite a lot about Erebor and Smaug and the fact that Thorin had lost his brother and father and grandfather in battle. That he had been the one to look after the homeless dwarves of Erebor as well as after their family (at least after their father had died) and that he had always put others – his people and his kin – first.

However, he had always made Fili and Kili feel like nothing they did could ever be good enough. Good enough for what? For the heirs of Durin. For Erebor. They are but children, not ready to be princes and not ready to face the serious side of life.

Their mother believes that they have a right to be normal children, after all there is no kingdom they could inherit. However, Thorin is – as already mentioned – incredibly stubborn. He has always done what he thinks best and he has saved his people. He will not stop doing it.

Kili finally loses his patience and the toys land in the corner, next to the Khuzdul vocabulary book. He rises and goes for the dining room, opening the door that leads outside. He plans to wait on the doorstep, but when he sees that it is already dark his heart skips a beat. "Mother?"

"Yes?" Dis seems to be in the kitchen, considering the noise of rattling dishes.

Kili runs towards her, his eyes wide and worried. "When is Fili going to be home? It is already dark outside!"

His mother, who is standing in front of the oven, turns around slowly, hesitantly. She does not look at him and Kili holds his breath. "… Mother?"

Dis forces a smile, but it is strained. "He will not come home today." Her voice is heavy and the young dwarf looks at her, waiting for her to explain.

"Why not?"

"Because…" She gulps heavily. "Because your uncle took him to another place, to a town of men where he can teach him everything he needs to know."

Kili shakes his head in disbelief. "For how long? When are they going to come back?" He thinks he feels his heart break, young as he may be, when he sees the sadness and the tears in his mother's eyes, and hears her feebly whispered words.

"I do not know."

"No," Kili says, "_No_," his voice firm, because this cannot be true. It _cannot_ be… right?

Dis gulps again. "I'm sorry," she murmurs and she sounds so incredibly sad and lonely that Kili knows she is telling the truth.

He feels the hurt and the despair creep up, making their way to his heart, but his anger is faster. "Uncle," he growls. "How could he do that! _How could he do that_?" Then he turns towards his mother. "_How could you let him_?" He is crying by now, filled with pain and fury and the empty feeling of betrayal. He tries to strike his tiny fists against his mother's belly, but she simply kneels down and wraps her arms around him, pulling him close.

"I am sorry," she whispers again. "I wish… I wish I were strong enough to oppose your uncle."

Kili flinches when he hears her quiet sobs. He has never seen his mother cry. Never. And her tears dropping onto the bare skin of his arms tell him everything he needs to know.

He is not going to see his brother anytime soon.

Kili breaks down.

_TBC_


	2. 2nd Draw: The Pawn

Prompt: : / / hobbit - kink . livejournal ?thread=3847490#t3847490

**2nd Draw: The Pawn**

Kili hates the dark.

Well, now he does. These days.

He had never feared the absence of light (he is a dwarf – he is supposed to be living in gloomy tunnels and dim halls and to love it) until the night his uncle had taken his brother away. Fili had always been his source of light with his bright golden hair and his beaming smile. He had been able to light every room he had been in and he had also known how to banish any kind of emotional darkness that may have been troubling Kili.

Fili is the hot, burning flame of Erebor and that is why their uncle had stolen him.

Now no one is here to chase away the gloom that has settled down in the black-haired dwarf's heart and mind. It is cruel and dangerous, and it keeps reminding him of what he has lost. What Thorin has taken from him, careless of what it might do to his nephew.

Kili has not forgotten the night his brother had left. He can neither suppress the events of the evening, nor the emptiness where his other half should have been, the emptiness that had given the pain so much room to spread. And he had not been alone. After crying for what had seemed like hours his mother and he had sat down on the doorstep and waited for the whole night, hoping that – somehow – Fili would return, despite knowing better. For a long time Kili had not stopped doing that, each night he would spend the time of twilight waiting and hoping. Maybe he would have been staying there all night, were it not for the darkness that drove him into the rooms that were lit by candles. In the beginning his mother had been staying with him, but she had stopped after a few weeks.

And now, after so many years, he has as well.

Kili understands now.

Back then he had not, not really. He had seen that his mother had been sad, that he had not been the only one suffering because of Thorin's decision, but he had also seen her give up much earlier than him and crying fewer tears. Despite everything he had thought himself alone with his pain.

Now he knows how hard his uncle's decision had hit Dis, and that she had not lost less than him. He had seen her lose weight over the years, simultaneously with him losing his smile. He had watched her give up and blame herself. He still does. It hurts him to see his mother like this and he tries his best to look out for her as well as he can, but most of the time he is too occupied with forcing the darkness in his heart back, keeping it under control. He knows what letting it spread would mean. And no matter how tempting it is, he cannot let it happen. For his mother's sake.

Kili knows that Dis is blaming herself for being too weak to simply refuse following Thorin's orders. He also knows that there is nothing she could have done, not with his uncle being so sure that this was best for everyone. However, no matter how often he tells his mother, she never stops blaming herself. It fuels his anger. Thorin is her brother like he is Fili's, he should never _ever _do something that could hurt her so much.

The black-haired dwarf sighs heavily and leans back, against the headboard of the bed. The sheets do no longer smell of Fili and they have not done so for years, but Kili is so used to burying his nose in the covers and closing his eyes that he does it again. If he only breathes loudly enough and lets everything but the throbbing of his heart fade he can almost feel his brother's presence, sitting beside him on the bed and sighing heavily.

"You know, we promised mother to tidy our room today."

Kili rolls his eyes but keeps them closed, smiling faintly – a very rare sight indeed nowadays. "I've spent the whole day working. I'm tired."

"Just saying," Fili mutters and lies down, wriggling until he is comfortable. Kili feels the mattress move. "Are you still alert enough for a game of chess?"

The younger one does not have to think about it. He has never been able to resist the temptation of playing, not since his mother has taught him shortly after his uncle and brother had left. "You sure you want to play me? You'll lose anyway!"

Fili snorts. "Maybe today's my lucky day." His too-blue eyes are sparkling and his enthusiasm is contagious.

Kili huffs but rises and goes to one of the cupboards, grabbing the chequerboard. He knows that he will win, as always.

"You are going to play white?" Fili asks, moving so that Kili can put the board onto the bed and sit down.

"Of course." He does not like the colour black any longer, not since any kind of darkness can make the pain in his heart worsen. "Why do you even bother asking?"

Fili chuckles lowly and watches him set up the pieces, lazily running a hand through his hair. "To prove to myself that you are still predictable."

Kili shakes his head, makes the first draw and smiles – again. Twice is more often than most days. "Your turn."

oOo

Kili has seen his mother's concerned glances. He knows she has heard him talking to Fili and he knows that he is worrying her, but he is not ready to give the easy-going conversations and the chess games up, for although they are fuelling the darkness in his heart they are also taming it, and he needs them. No matter how much he wants to make everything easier for his mother, there are things he cannot give her.

He misses his brother so much that he almost cannot stand it. He had though that it would eventually stop hurting, that one day he would be able to smile when he thought about the older one and simply wait for his return, but it has gotten worse over the years rather than better. Shortly after Fili's departure he had been able to tell himself that it would be over soon. That his brother would be back within the following months. Now, however… now he knows better and he wishes he would not. He wishes that he had not lost the ability to believe in a sudden, unexpected knock at the door. The years have made him doubt that Fili will ever come back, for his uncle had sent a few letters, but they had only held instructions how to train and educate Kili. His brother had never been mentioned, not a word. By now the young dwarf is close to hating his uncle, for he is not only terribly angry that he does not even know whether his other half is still alive, he also sees what this is doing to his mother.

He sees the tears in Dis' eyes when she thinks no one is looking and he sees her glances, sees her think about the same questions that are bothering him.

Kili's hair is growing longer, and he has started to wear two slim braids on either side of his face. He cannot grow a beard yet, but he has grown and his once slender figure has made way for broad shoulders and strong muscles. He hates mirrors, for every time he looks at himself he is reminded of how much he has changed and that he has no idea what his brother looks like these days, and he knows that this is also plaguing his mother. Fili had been a child when he had left, and now he would be an adult. All Kili has left is the memory of a young boy – a memory that is fading more with every day, week and year. He tries to imagine him, tries to picture him grown up, with long hair and a sword in his hands, the soft lines of his face straightened. He sees the same picture behind his mother's eyes every time he looks at her and it makes the pain even worse.

He is incredibly furious at his uncle, the anger being as strong and consuming as the pain. He still loves Thorin, somehow, deep down, but the family bonds are overlaid by years of hurt and rage. It is probably the reason why he has taken up archery, knowing that his uncle thinks it an elvish skill. Besides, it is very useful… but no, he definitely is spending hours and hours on the archery range every day, tiring his eyes and arms, because he knows that Thorin will be furious. And that Fili will be proud – that is, if he still is the same dwarf who has left the Blue Mountains. Somehow Kili doubts that, knowing how much he himself has changed as well.

He is also very good with a sword, but bow and arrow are one of the few things that can distract him nowadays. Maybe hitting a target perfectly will even make the corners of his mouth inch upwards for a few moments. Kili sighs and tries to ignore the mocking laughter when his arrow does not hit the centre of the target, but only the fringe. "I've seen you do better."

Rolling his eyes Kili aims again and the next shot is perfect. "Of course. But you are distracting me." He is alone on the range, like most times. Only very few dwarves ever try their luck at archery.

"Be honest – you would not want me to leave."

Kili gnashes his teeth and shoots again. Fili reminding him of that is unnecessary and painful. Seriously. He sighs and decides to leave it be for today, collecting his arrows.

"Where are you going?"

"To the forge, I want to work on the clasps." He has taken up forging as a distraction from his longing for Fili, having learned from Gloin.

"Are you finally going to tell me what they are about?"

"Nope." Kili is spending quite a lot of time forging two similar hair clasps, assuming that by now his brother's hair is as long as his own. He will give it to the older one when he returns… If he returns.

Because of all the noise in the forge he cannot hear what Fili is saying, which is a good thing since Oin and Gloin are also present. He does not want the two of them to think him mad because of his conversations with his brother. After an hour he puts the clasps away and spends the rest of the afternoon forming more and more warriors, each of them different but clad in the armour of their people. There are quite a lot of those tiny toys hidden in his room, toys that he knows Fili would have loved back then, when he had left. Nobody knows that they are there – armies of miniature dwarves and elves and men and orcs, made of any metal he can get. Well – that is not completely true. _Fili_ knows about their existence.

"Don't you think you're getting too old for this stuff?"

"Nope."

"You say that too often!"

oOo

Kili sighs, looking down at the heavy book that is lying in his lap. It is filled with the family history of what seems to be every single dwarf who had ever lived in Middle Earth. He knows, he is supposed to know all this by heart, because someday it might prove to be useful. When his brother is King under the Mountain and he is one of the older one's advisors. He snorts. _If_ his brother is King under the Mountain. Right now there is no mountain Thorin could claim and leave his nephew, and Kili's motivation is about as absent as the kingdom he should be studying this for.

The black-haired dwarf gnashes his teeth and tries to concentrate on the terribly boring facts listed on the page in front of him. He hates learning all this stuff, because when will he ever need it? He also hates fighting with the sword he has forged himself. Yes, he may be good at it – because he _has_ to be – but that does not necessarily mean that he has to like it. Kili knows he would make a great warrior. Like his uncle wants him to be. And he_ hates_ that as well.

Actually there are quite a lot of things he hates these days, filled with so much pain and anger.

It is sad, really, that his life is dominated by only negative emotions, but they run too deep. He is not even sure whether Fili's return could mend all of it, for they both have changed and they will never get all those lost years back. Maybe they even have changed so much that they will hate each other? He does not allow himself to think about that. No matter how tiny the little rest of hope he has left is, he cannot risk it. He _needs_ it.

Kili is about to throw the book against the wall, or tear it into pieces. Why does he have to learn this? Yes, he knows. Because Thorin has sent his sister a letter, asking for her to tell him to. _Or rather telling her to make him to_. Thorin, who has betrayed him like that and still can tell him what to do. He thinks he can feel his blood boil, his dark emotions setting it on fire. He has to destroy something. Now.

"Calm down," a soft voice says. "That's totally not worth it."

"Not worth what?" Kili asks, clenching his teeth and fists.

"You don't want to worry mother. You know how hard all this is for her, don't make it even harder. She may be his sister, but he is still her king. She has to do as she is told. Calm down and follow the orders. Do it for her."

The young dwarf takes a deep breath. "You are right," he says. "But I still don't have to like it."

Fili chuckles softly. "Of course not," he smiles. "Neither do I."

The younger one huffs. "That's comforting!"

"Hey, no need to be sarcastic."

He sighs. "Sorry.

Fili cocks his head, his eyes full of sympathy. "Bad day?"

"Bad year," Kili growls. "Or rather a lot of them." His brother is the only person he can be so open with. The young prince gnashes his teeth. His uncle will be proud when he returns – Kili has mastered the blank face like no one else. He feels faintly sick when he thinks of _Thorin_ and _proud_ in the same context.

Fili smiles sadly. "I will come back," he promises, trying to soothe his brother.

The black-haired dwarf snorts. "Of course you will – I don't even know whether you are still alive!"

The older one raises an eyebrow. "I'm sitting right in front of you."

"Yes, and I know fully well that you are not real. Stop reminding me of it." Bad day? Fucking stupid shit day! "Leave me alone."

Fili hesitates. "… okay."

Kili finally throws the book against the wall, terribly frustrated. "No, don't! Please… stay. I can't lose you as well."

"You won't," the blond dwarf says softly.

"Yes, you said that before. And then uncle took you away."

"Yet here I am."

"Stop it," Kili is screaming. He knows, yelling at an imaginary person who is only a projection of one's own brain is rather stupid, but he is too worked up right now to care.

Fili sighs heavily, makes for the door. "I'll come back later."

"_No_"

oOo

When Kili had heard it for the first time he had thought his heart would stop.

Fili's soft laughter is what he calls home, still, after all this years, and although his memory and imagination are not perfect they are close enough. For a few weeks he had enjoyed hearing it, but then he had realized that it would only make everything worse and now Fili hardly ever laughs. He chuckles, he grins, he giggles, he cackles. He does not laugh.

Hearing it now startles Kili and makes his heart sputter. "Haven't you heard the knock on the front door?"

The young prince shakes his head, not allowing himself to hope. "Probably customers who needs my services as a blacksmith. Mother will let them in." He continues to copy the tale written in Khuzdul, perfecting his letters. He hears his mother answer the door, he hears her squeal and he hears that dark voice he has come to hate so much. His heart skips a beat. And another one.

"See? I told you so!"

_Tbc_


	3. 3rd Draw: The Queen

Prompt: : / / hobbit - kink . livejournal ?thread=3847490#t3847490

**3rd Draw: The Queen**

Kili does not dare to move. He hears his uncle enter the dining room, and he hears Balin's voice. Fili smiles happily. "Looks like it's my time to leave. I wish you all the best." Then he is gone but Kili barely notices. What is he supposed to do now? Years ago he would have run, flinging his arms around his brother's neck and pulling him into their room, away from the adults.

Now, however, he does not know how to react. What if it is only Thorin and Balin who have come? But no, he can hear his mother's excited voice. His brother is back.

His brother.

Kili feels a little faint. That person whom his mother is so happy to see… _who is he_? Not the Fili who had left so many years ago, that much he knows. He tries to calm himself down, still frozen. Maybe he should just stay here and wait… No. No way. He finally takes his courage in both hands, leaves his – their – his – _fuck_ – room and makes his way towards the hubbub of voices. He gulps heavily before he enters the dining room, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed – as casually as possible – and taking in the scene.

His uncle is standing in front of his mother, broad and confident and arrogant as always, and Kili feels the hate boil up in the depths of his stomach. Dis seems to be equally enraged, but she does not say anything (he would have been genuinely surprised if she had), only stares at her brother with an unfamiliar fire in her eyes. Kili cannot decide whether he should stop her if she should – against better judgement – attack his uncle or enjoy the show. Probably he would choose to do the latter. He finds himself unable to suppress the warm and dark satisfaction rumbling in his stomach at the thought.

Balin and Dwalin are standing next to each other, watching their king and his sister with obvious amusement and no small amount of glee. They keep exchanging short glances and when he sees the younger prince Balin smiles at him, greeting him with a nod. Kili returns the gesture.

He hesitates before he lets his gaze find the last person present. A young (but clearly grown up) dwarf is standing in one corner of the room, appearing to wish being anywhere but here. Keeping his face blank the black-haired prince lets his eyes run over thick, golden locks and two braids on either side of a very male and very not-childlike face. He cannot miss the soft signifier for a proper dwarven beard and the two slim plaits in the blond moustache. The dwarf's shoulders are broad and his arms muscular. Kili can spot two swords and at least three hidden daggers before his eyes finally meet the too-blue ones of the stranger.

He forgets to breathe. Those eyes are still the same one's that had told him they would see him later so many years ago. He sees the same pain and anger and betrayal (although much less strong) that are twisting his own insides and he can also see the tension of someone who feels like a stranger in his own home.

And no matter how much he has been doubting it until this very moment, now he is completely sure. _Don't worry brother. We can do that._

The corners of the unfamiliar Fili's mouth are twitching upwards. _If you say so._

Kili feels a smile tug at his own lips (something that has happened only very rarely for quite a long time) but he does not let anyone but his brother see it. His eyes are motioning towards the room they had once been sharing. _We need to talk._

Fili nods ever so lightly, only visible for the younger one._ Later._

Their silent conversation is interrupted when Thorin turns to face his younger nephew. "Kili," he says, his face blank as always. "Did you do as I told you?"

Kili feels the anger and hatred run through his veins, suppressing the pain and excitement, but he has learned iron self-control. His face does not reveal anything more than his uncle's. "Yes." His voice could not have been colder and the king raises an eyebrow.

"Do you know how to wield a sword?"

The young prince feels a great deal of glee rush through his body. Oh, how long has he been waiting for this very moment! "I do, however, I prefer my bow and arrow." Delightedly he watches the vein on Thorin's neck grow, a very clear sign for him being incredibly angry. He also sees the satisfaction in Fili's eyes and the glee seems to be everywhere. _Well done, brother_.

"Are you a bloody elf?" Oh, the frustration and disappointment in his words are beautiful!

"Do I look like one?" Kili knows he should not be that cocky. Thorin is still his king and his uncle. Years of pain and anger are hard to put aside, though, and this is Kili's moment of revenge, for teasing his uncle like that is most likely the only revenge he will get for losing his brother.

"You obviously have not learned to show respect." The king's words could have cut diamond.

The young prince does not blink an eye. "I give my respect to those who earn it." He knows that he is crossing a line, and he does so willingly. If his mother does not dare to stand up for them someone else has to.

At the split of a second Thorin is standing in front of him, his eyes dark and furious and dangerous. "_I am your king_"

Although he has to admit that he is slightly scared Kili does not even flinch. "You are also my uncle. But most of all you are the person who stole my brother from me, and I will never forgive you for that."

For a second something that might be pain flashes across the king's features, but then he turns away abruptly, his face dark, and Kili thinks he might have imagined it. "Get out of my sight."

The young prince obeys gladly, knowing that his brother will follow him.

When they have reached their room and Kili has closed the door both of them do not know what to say. The silence is awkward, to say the least, but the younger one finally dares to look at his brother and finds that there is no need to speak up.

He sees the tiredness in Fili's eyes and the hollowness in his cheeks and the way his whole posture is somewhat strained.

_You weren't happy either._

_No. _Fili shakes his head, sitting down on the bed. Kili takes a seat next to him, his gaze never leaving the older one. _But it could have been worse_.

"I missed you," he murmurs softly.

"I missed you, too. We lost so much time…"

Kili gnashes his teeth. The anger is still there, strong as ever. "I never saw your first sword, or your first braid, or the first boar you killed."

"I never saw you take up archery – but I have to admit I like it. Uncle's face was worth a mint when you said that."

The younger one cannot help but smile. This may only be small talk, but Fili is back and they can repair the bond between them. Obviously it had only ever faded, but never vanished completely. "I am so angry," he confesses. "I waited for so long but sometime I stopped waiting, doubting that you ever would return. I didn't even know whether you were alive."

"Uncle forbid me to send any letters. He knows that I'm very cross with him because of taking me away from you, but I have seen him weak and doubting. He did not do this to hurt us, but to protect our people. He has always put them first, and he expects us to do so as well. Uncle needs me to be a good king one day and he needs both of us to be grown up as soon as possible in the case of anything happening to him. He knew that separating us would make us grow up fastest and he really regretted doing so, I know that. Otherwise Balin and Dwalin would never have helped him and Mother would never have let me go."

"She would," Kili answers, his voice and eyes dark. "And she _has_. She did not believe that this was the best way but she has never been able to deny uncle anything. Not even taking her child."

Fili squirms uncomfortably. "I guess you know her better than me."

"Only as much as you know uncle better. You know why he did what he did, and you can understand it. I can't. And I don't know whether I will ever be able to forgive him."

The older one smiles sadly. "Try it. Take your time."

Kili sighs heavily. He begins to see the big gap between them (because he has been hating his uncle for so many years now, that is not something that can be mended easily), but nevertheless he starts to build a bridge. "Do you know how to play chess?"

Fili nods. "Do you want to play now?" Nod. The older one raises an eyebrow. "Instead of… talking?"

"Actually I think it would be easier. I hate uncomfortable periods of silence and I would love to avoid them."

The older one nods. "I guess you are right. Fine, let's play. Black or White?"

"White," Kili answers while he fetches the chequerboard. "I… have developed a little problem with darkness and the according colours," he admits and sees comprehension flash across his brother's features.

_We need to get to know each other again._

The older one grins, letting the uncomfortable moment pass, appearing to be rather self-confident. "I'm going to ruin you!"

Kili (actually!) laughs. "You don't stand a chance."

He does not. However, Kili finds playing his real brother much more interesting than the imaginary one.

"So… you are afraid of the darkness now?" Fili asks a few minutes later, his eyes fixed on the board. He moves his knight.

Kili actually blushes a little bit and immediately has to suppress an equally painful flash of anger and disappointment. Back then he had never had any reason to be embarrassed in his brother's presence. He makes his move. "It was dark when I realized you were not going to come back, and mother and I spent the whole night on the doorstep, waiting." He says it as casually as he manages to (and he is really good at that, for he has spent years trying not to let his mother see his true feelings) but the sadness in Fili's eyes is still obvious.

The older one nods. "I have trouble sleeping," he confesses, taking one of Kili's pawns. "I had a lot of nightmares and no one was there to wake me up…"

"… so you try to sleep as little as possible, because if you are tired enough you don't dream." He has always known his brother's sleeping habits. That they have changed so much…

Fili nods again, smiling faintly. Maybe they still know each other better than they had been thinking. "Uncle is not happy about it."

Kili huffs and moves one of his castles.

The older one shakes his head, still smiling. "He did not want me to hurt myself because I was so tired," he explains, taking another pawn.

The black-haired dwarf does not bother to answer. What could he say? In his world Thorin is the bad guy. For a few minutes they sit in silence – this time it is a comfortable one – thinking about their next moves. "When mother stopped eating I stopped smiling," Kili finally says, his castle capturing the older one's bishop.

Fili's eyes widen. "Mother stopped eating?"

Kili feels the guilt, heavy in his stomach. "I did what I could, but I was only a child and I was a little preoccupied with my own problems."

For a fleeting moment Fili's fingers brush his own, reassuringly. "As you said – you were only a child." He takes another pawn. "It seems I will have to find out how to make you smile again."

Kili smiles shyly. "Your simple presence is a good beginning."

The older one laughs openly. "I never knew that my simple presence could have such an impact on other people."

"Rather your absence, or more specifically the lack of it," Kili mutters, taking a pawn as well. Yes, his brother's absence has impacted his life a lot.

Fili's laughter dies, but he is still smiling. Then, without a warning, his eyes suddenly darken. "I have killed," he says and captures a castle.

The younger one is pretending to be concentrating on the game. "Whom?"

"A man. A drunkard in a tavern. He wanted to… _have_ me. Had I not cut his throat, uncle would have."

Kili spares his queen. "I threw up afterwards."

The younger one watches his brother's next move and finds himself surprised when the real Fili reacts differently than the imaginary would have. "I imagined you," he says softly. "I talked to you. We had lovely conversations and we played a lot of chess." This time he takes the queen. "Mother was worried. Of course she was. She thought I had gone crazy." Both of them think of the night before Fili had left, and Kili muttering 'Probably go crazy' when the older one had asked what he would do without his brother. The silence is heavy and suffocating.

Fili squares his shoulders. "Do I want to know how you pictured me?" His voice is dry and although his grin may be a little strained it is honest.

Kili pursues his lips. "You weren't too ugly," he answers, letting go of the memory and grinning as well. "Only a little…"

Fili sticks his tongue out. "Idiot!" He captures the fourth pawn.

Kili takes his second bishop and forces him to move his king to a safe square. "You were always there. You enabled me to practise my archery and my forging. You were what got me through every single day, what made me perserve and what pushed me."

"Seems like I was quite efficient," the older one answers, taking a closer look at the pieces. "You made them yourselves?"

The black-haired prince snorts. "Efficient? You were a slave driver!" He captures a pawn.

Fili is grinning delightedly. "I stopped talking in my sleep," he says. "Balin told me."

Kili's face falls. "I loved that."

"I know." The older one captures a knight. "Maybe it will come back."

"I hope so." Kili takes a castle. "Otherwise I might do something rather stupid."

"Like what?"

"Like hit uncle in the face."

"Don't do it."

"Why not? He deserves it!"

"Maybe, but he would hit you back."

Kili gnashes his teeth. "That would totally be worth it." He sighs and his lets his gaze wander across the room. Not much has changed since the time when they had been living here together, only the size of the clothing in the drawers and the content of the books in the shelf. Oh, and… "I have boxes filled with toys you would have liked… back then."

Fili's eyes are shining. "Are you going to show them to me?"

"Of course."

"What is it – armies?" He moves his king. "I missed our epic battles."

"Dwarves and men and elves and orcs," the younger one grins. "Lots of them." He captures one of his brother's knights. "Far more epic than any battle we have ever fought."

Fili is beaming. "Do you think we are too old for playing with them?"

The younger one laughs quietly. "Definitely not."

The blond prince grins and for a few moves they are silent, before he raises his voice once again. "I stopped joking around and praying pranks. It was no fun without you." Fili takes the second castle.

"Same here." The younger one sighs. "We always did that together and I never even wanted to try when I was alone." He moves his queen. "Checkmate."

"No – seriously? That's unfair! You are my younger brother, you are not supposed to beat me!"

This time Kili is the one sticking his tongue out. Despite they had used the game to tell each other things that had changed about them, things that effected them deeply, some of their former easiness had returned. "I would also beat you at archery."

"That would not be hard, since I have never tried it." Fili laughs. "Maybe we should go back, see what the others are doing?"

Sigh. "I guess you are right."

They enter the dining hall and let their eyes run over the four adult dwarves.

Balin and Dwalin are enjoying their dinner, chatting happily, while their mother and uncle are both refusing to talk or eat, staring at each other angrily. Dis' arms are crossed and she is looking daggers at her brother, which is more than she has ever dared to do.

The two brothers sit down and start eating as well, watching their family. Thorin may be more stubborn than anyone else, but he is also terribly impatient. Thus it is no wonder that he is the one who first opens his mouth. "Will you stop sulking already? I brought him back. No need to be pissed."

For a few seconds Dis is frozen, anger and disbelief clearly visible on her face. Then she jumps to her feet and actually slaps her brother. "Sulking? _Pissed_? Yes, you brought him back. After _decades_!" Her voice cracks. "I _hate_ you!" She runs out of the room and slams the door.

Thorin is dumbstruck, but then follows her, his face unreadable once more.

Kili's eyes are wide. "Way to go, mother!"

_Tbc_


	4. 4th Draw: The Bishop

_Well. This one ended up a little longer than I planned. I guess nobody's going to complain? __^^  
Hope you enjoy Balin's move… ;)_

4th Draw: The Bishop

Being with Fili is as easy as Kili remembers it. Talking is _not_. They may have told each other about the big changes in their lives, but every day Kili finds another tiny detail he has not known about, like the way Fili likes to play with the braids in his moustache, or the way his fingers twitch nervously when he is thinking of something unpleasant. It hurts the younger one, realizing that he does not really know his brother any longer, his brother whom he has been missing so much. His brother, whom he has once known better than anybody else. He had always thought that when Fili came home everything would be perfect again. Maybe even the relationship with his uncle. However, the fact that he can see what their separation has done to the bond between them every day is rather increasing his anger than giving it any chance to calm down.

Kili may have his brother back, but he still misses him.

At times he even wishes for the imaginary Fili to return, because with him everything had been natural. His very own and personal version of the older one had grown up with him and they had known each other as well as Kili and the real Fili should. Sometimes, always filled with rage and disappointment, he cannot stop to think that he had liked the imaginary Fili better. However, he is filled with so much guilt every time, guilt that suppresses the rage and the disappointment and weighs so heavily he can barely stand it, that he does not dwell on the thought. It is really hard to believe. Finally he has gotten what he has been dreaming of for decades, feeling miserable, but the reality of his dream is even more miserable. This is _not_ fair.

Kili spends a lot of time watching his brother. After all he has once taken pride on being able to read the older one like a book, and he has to get that ability back… right? Maybe then he will know what to talk about.

It still hurts.

He is still angry at Thorin.

And he has no one to talk to about all this, because the only person he has ever told _anything_ is gone like only the projection of one's mind can be, not leaving anything behind but painful memories. He has spent hours sitting alone, letting the world fade and trying to make him come back. It works about as well as wishing his real brother would return had worked. Of course it does. The other one had been a pipe dream, his imagination of what his brother would be like if he were here. But the real Fili is not like he had wished him to be and he has destroyed that dream that had kept Kili going for so long.

The dark-haired prince is tempted to blame Fili, because he has changed so much. He knows that he should blame himself, because it is him who has made up an imaginary friend and basically gone crazy. He chooses the easier option, though. He blames his uncle. For, after all, it mostly _is_ Thorin's fault. He has started everything.

Kili sighs and leans his head against the headboard. They still have only one big bed, none of the adults seems to be thinking of giving them a second one. Kili sleeps on a fur on the floor. That way, if Fili should leave again, at least his smell will be lingering in the covers.

They play a lot of chess (Kili winning every single time), because then they are together, but they do not have to talk about anything. They can concentrate on their moves and strategies and neither of them has to find a topic to discuss. The silence is a focused one, not heavy and awkward like at other times. Kili enjoys their games very much, because this Fili may not be the Fili he has been dreaming of, but he is Fili nonetheless, and he will never let him go again. However, when he thinks of the older one he does not think of the word brother. His _brother_ is a young, cheeky dwarfling who is sleeping in the same bed as he is and asking him every time whether he is going to play black or white because he likes to call him predictable.

Fili never asks, he always assumes that Kili will not have changed his mind. He is quite right about that, still, it hurts. Kili is waiting for the question every time and every time it feels like a punch in the guts. He sneaks a glance at the young adult dwarf sitting on the bed, biting his bottom lip in concentration. That is new as well. For a second Kili finds his eyes drawn to the movement, and for another one he is staring at the too-blue orbs beneath the puckered brows. Then reality has taken him back and he watches the older one make his move.

The young prince sighs, returning his attention to their game. No, this dwarf may be his brother, but it does not feel like it, rather like meeting your best friend from years ago. Kili knows the way he loves his mother, but he does not feel the same love for Fili any longer. However, this does not mean that he does not like him, but that there is something else. Something deep and dark and scary. For sometimes, very rarely, Kili finds himself intrigued by fine scars on short, thick fingers and slender plaits framing strange and yet familiar features instead of kings and queens and bishops. He does not dare to think about it, does not allow himself to, because, frankly, it scares him, and there is too much between them already. Probably he has come to worship and idealize his brother a little too much during his absence. Because what else could it be?

Fili is his _brother_, whether it might feel like it or not.

oOo

No, it is not easy.

The gap between them is huge, torn by years of separation and the knowledge that they _have not grown up together_. And it seems to be growing further rather than shrinking.

That Kili is still so terribly angry at their uncle is one of their problems, and it may be the key to everything else. Or not. Kili knows, seeking reconciliation with Thorin is what Fili wants and expects him to do. The younger one is not sure why, but he guesses that the blond prince thinks he will only be able to accept the changes in him if he accepts the reason for them. He is probably right. That does not make up for years of anger and hatred, though, which are not easy to overcome. Kili finds himself unable to do what his brother asks of him. He watches Fili bond with their mother, but at the same time cannot (and, frankly, does not want to) reconcile with Thorin, for the cut has been too deep to be easily healed. He watches as Dis tries everything to get to know her older son, desperate to be his _mother_, while the king refuses to let his young nephew get close enough to understand him (not that he really does all he can, but still – he is not the only one making this unnecessarily hard).

Thorin has apologized to his sister, truly sorry for having hurt her so much. The brothers had seen them return to the room, both calmed down and the king's eyes far less troubled than before. Kili knows, whatever he has told her – she believes him. And she has forgiven him. Fili has only ever been angry at his uncle for taking him away, but never filled with the same rage as his mother and brother (that had partly been thanks to Balin, who had mentioned something about Thorin and knowing how it felt to lose your brother). For him there had been nothing to forgive. Kili, however, cannot bring himself to do so. Moreover, Thorin does not seem to be interested in explaining his reasons to Kili at any rate. He does not even bother to talk to him.

The young prince is terribly frustrated, for he has tried, he really has (maybe he _could_ have tried harder, but that's beside the point), for Fili's sake. For the bond he has once shared with his brother and so terribly wants to be repaired. It is the older one's condition to let him come closer, unfair as it might seem. However, every time Kili sees Thorin's angry gaze run over the bowman's gloves he is wearing his own anger returns with full force and by now all his patience is worn up. Yes, he has tried, despite his hatred and fury. If his uncle wants to have a second nephew, he will have to come to him. Kili will no longer do it.

Fili is not happy with that. Not at all.

"I have tried!"

"Try harder."

"Why am I supposed to be the only one trying? He does not do anything to make this easier, yet you are not angry at him!"

"Because I know his reasons."

"You know mine as well! I have told you everything about what his decision has done to me, but you don't care!"

Suddenly there is a rage in those beautiful blue eyes Kili has never seen there before. "I don't care? _I don't care?_"

Kili turns his head away. "You don't seem to." Maybe his voice should not be blank, maybe he should show the older one how much this really hurts him, but this is an old instinct to try and protect himself.

Fili's voice is cool. "You don't seem either."

Kili closes his eyes. No, he is not going to cry. Crying is for the weak. He may feel alone and lost, but he is _not_ weak. "What do you expect me to do?" There are still no emotions to be heard in his voice. "I am not angry because he has insulted me, or played a childish prank. I am angry because he hurt me, and took what I cared for most. And I got angrier with every year you did not come back. Yes, I _have_ tried. _But it is not easy for me_ and if he is not ready to help me at all there is no way this is going to work out." After that talk over the chess game, when the older one had barely had returned, Kili had shut himself, never again giving away many of his emotions, because that dwarf he is talking to may be Fili, but he is not the person he trusts enough to hand over his soul. That is what years of pain have taught him, apart from anger and bitterness: Distrust.

Fili takes a deep breath when he hears the younger one talk more openly than he has done ever since his return. "I already told you. He did not do this to hurt us. Try to understand him!"

"I _can't_."

"Only because you have spent so much time being furious!"

"Maybe he should not have given me so much time to be furious!"

"Great. And we are back to 'it's all only uncle's fault.'"

Kili is so frustrated that he is close to tears once again. "Because _it is_. He is the one who has taken you without leaving me an explanation or the time to say good-bye!"

Fili seems to be caught between the wish to defend his uncle and wanting to hear his brother say how much he has missed him again and again. "You can get your damn explanation now!"

The younger one's eyes are wild and completely unguarded when he stares at his brother. "_How_? How am I supposed to understand him if he doesn't even _talk to me_?"

Fili is also losing his temper. "Well, _you don't talk to me either_! We only ever play chess and I'm sick of it!"

"What else do you want us to do? Sit in uncomfortable silence for days? We don't know how to act around each other, and that's all uncle's fault! Besides, understanding his stupid reasons would not change anything about that!" Kili's fist crashes against the wall. He ignores the flash of pain.

"Well, what do you want me to do? Behave like the ignorant dwarfling I was when I left?" His eyes darkened by his anger.

_Yes_, Kili thinks. _That's exactly what I want_. Maybe he should have said it aloud. He does not. "Do whatever you want!"

Fili gasps for air. "Fine! Then I'll go! It will save me from your stupid stubbornness and you don't want me here anyway! Making everyone happy this way!" The older one whips around and all but storms out of the room, fists clenches.

Kili cannot help but reach out for his brother. "No!" The dark-haired prince knows that his voice is ridiculously thin and weak. He leaps up and runs after his brother. "Don't!"

However, Fili does not stop but leaves, disappearing into the darkness of the night and the younger one's whispered "_Please_!" falls on deaf ears. The heavy, painful emptiness at the bottom of his stomach is devastatingly familiar.

Only when the door slams shut does Kili realize the equally puzzled expression on the faces of his uncle and mother. He does not bother to explain (his uncle has seen him without his poker face – so what? This day can hardly get any worse), though, only opens the door again and walks into the night. He sits down on the doorstep like so many years ago, leans his head against the old wood and waits.

Kili fights back the tears. He knows that he has overreacted, but so has Fili. Wistfully he thinks of a time when they had never ever really quarrelled. When everything had been perfect, without any stupid uncles standing between them or strange scary feelings freaking him out. Still – he knows that he cannot lose Fili, not again. Despite everything. This is why he is sitting on the doorstep, trying not to think about the darkness around him or the gloom in his heart. It is late autumn and he is not dressed for spending the dark hours outside. The chill of the night air worms its way beneath his thin clothing rather sooner than later but Kili does not go inside. The last time he has done that his brother has not returned for decades afterwards.

He is startled when the door behind his back slowly opens and his mother slips outside, sitting down next to him. At first she does not say anything, only wraps her arm around his upper body and pulls him against her by now shorter body, until his head is resting on her shoulder. "He will be back soon."

Kili has to fight back the tears once more.

"Your uncle knows that you are angry and disappointed and that you have any right to be. He does not talk to you because he has not yet come to terms with the knowledge that you hate him, but he will. Be patient."

"I can't," he chokes.

"Why not?"

"Because Fili will not let me be his brother before I have forgiven uncle."

There is a strange gleam in Dis' eyes. "You do not need to be his brother until then."

"What else am I supposed to be?"

She smiles fondly. "You will figure it out." Then she is gone, having slipped back inside as quickly as she had turned up.

Kili leans his head back against the door and stares at his fingers. He cannot look anywhere else, because then he will only be too aware of the darkness around him. His mother's words and presence have calmed him a little, but the emptiness in his stomach is still there. He knows it is irrational, because if Fili really were to leave Dis would be as agitated as he is. He has never been rational when it comes to his brother, though.

oOo

It must be hours later when he finally sees the stout form of the older prince approach, freezing and tired as he is.

Fili's eyes widen when he spots the younger one sitting on the doorstep. "What are you doing out here?" His breath smells of mead and a night spent with angry drinking.

Kili shrugs his shoulders as casually as he manages to. The blank face is back. "I feared you might not come back once again." The words undo all the forced nonchalance, though.

The blond dwarf sighs when he realizes what his storming off has done. "Look, I… I'm sorry. I didn't think about my words before I said them." He smiles wryly. "It's just… I've been so incredibly angry, because I was so happy when uncle told me that we were finally returning home and I thought that everything would be fine, like it used to be. But it's _not_, and I'm really disappointed by that and I just want my brother back! And I keep thinking that you've changed too much and that I don't know how to deal with your pain and bitterness, because I missed you, I really did, and I was angry as well, but never as angry as you. I understood the importance of uncle raising me as his heir all the time and I never felt like something having been stolen from me. I thought it terribly unfair that you couldn't come with us, because why not? You are also a prince of Durin's line. What if something happens to me?" Kili flinches. "I kept begging and whining and sulking, but uncle never listened. Yes, I was angry, and I was annoyed, but I never hated him. And although I know why you feel that way it's really hard to see you like that… my happy, cheeky baby brother, who has lost himself in such dark emotions. I keep thinking that, if you only talk to uncle, if you only understand his reasons, maybe you can let go of those emotions. Because _I just want my brother back_."

Fili does not look at him and for a few moments Kili finds himself frozen, unable to say anything. Then, before he has really processed what he is doing, he has flung his arms around the older one's neck and is pressing the slightly shorter body against his own. "Never do that again," he whispers and Fili seems to understand immediately that he is talking about him leaving, for he wraps his arms around the by now trembling form of his brother and holds him close.

"Promise," he whispers. Then he shudders and loosens his grip in order to reach for the cold hands clenched over the bare skin of his nape. "You are freezing. Come on, let's go back inside."

Not giving the younger one any chance to protest he pulls him into the cosy warmth of the dining room and into their room. Kili barely has time to see the dark, unreadable eyes of his uncle, gleaming as they reflect the flames from the fireplace.

Fili smiles hesitantly and Kili feels the emptiness in his stomach make way for something else. "I'll try to take you as you are," he murmurs, "with all your dark sides."

The younger one's heart is beating too fast. He is already feeling much better. "I think my only light side are the white chess pieces," he murmurs dryly, trying to hide the inexplicable blush covering his cheeks.

Fili chuckles lowly. "I just found another one."

For a few moments they do not move and do not look at each other, standing in the room which is once more filled by an awkward silence.

"Damn it!" the blond prince swears, before moving his head abruptly and looking directly at his brother. "Would you… like to sleep in the bed?"

Kili raises an eyebrow. "I don't want you to have to sleep on the floor."

"No, I meant… would you like to sleep in the bed… with me" gulp "in it? I imagine you had enough of darkness for tonight and maybe I can drive it away."

The younger one blushes again (though he really does not want to know why) and feels ridiculously happy that Fili has realized what has been plaguing him in all those nights on the floor, where the shadows seem to be so much more dangerous and devouring. "… yes?"

He cannot tell why it feels so awkward to be lying with his brother's chest against his back, for before the older one's leaving they had slept like that every night. However, he does not complain because although it may be strange he has not felt so warm and content and _safe_ for a very long time.

oOo

A loud knock on the door wakes them. "Breakfast!" Dwalin bellows. "Five minutes!"

Kili wants to turn around and go back to sleep, but his brother is already sitting, yawning and rubbing his eyes. "When he says five minutes he means five minutes."

Grumbling the younger one detangles the knot his legs and the blanket have found themselves in and follows Fili into the bathroom, washing his face and trailing behind him into the dining room after getting dressed, eyes barely half open.

Balin snickers when he sees him. "Eat something, lads, and then we'll be going."

"Where?" Fili asks, already digging his teeth into the scrambled eggs.

Kili may still be more asleep than woken, but that does not keep him from stuffing some of the fried ham into his mouth.

"Training," Dwalin grumbles, chewing happily. Their mother and uncle are nowhere to be seen.

Only shortly after they have left and Fili tells his brother about all the times he has been woken with icy water when not appearing for breakfast on time. Kili giggles lowly and feels happier than in decades, their little fight and the older one's speech the day before seem to have worked miracles. Balin and Dwalin use the next few hours to beat them up by every trick in the book, for Kili may be good with a sword, but he is nothing compared to Fili and even together they lose pathetically against Balin alone.

Finally the two veterans deem the torture enough and they sit down to enjoy their packed lunch, watching other dwarves work on their skills.

Balin's eyes are gleaming. "There is something I have never told you, but I think you might want to hear it now."

Dwalin raises an eyebrow. "You sure?" He does not seem to be agreeing, however, a soft brush of calloused fingers against his muscled arm calms him down.

The two princes' eyes widen.

The oldest one's smile is widening. "When Dwalin was born – I was little more than a dwarfling back then – I was travelling Middle Earth with Thrain and a few counsellors, meeting elves and men and working on my diplomacy skills. I was trained to be the advisor of the king one day, and that training was long and exhausting. When I came back I was a grown up, as was the little brother I had never met. I had known that I had a sibling, and his name, but nothing more of him and finally standing before him was… strange."

Dwalin grunts affirmatively. "Aye, you didn't say a word."

"I remember," Balin chuckles. "And you said 'by my beard, my brother is short' and crashed our heads together, and we did that ever since when we met again."

Fili snorts. "I do know that our skulls can take quite a lot, but I'll never understand how you can do that so often."

Balin chuckles again. "Old habits don't die." He shares a short, affectionate glance with his brother and Kili gulps heavily. "However, what I was trying to tell you: I may have known that he was my brother, that we shared the same blood, but feeling for him like for a brother… that took some time. Instead I felt something else. It scared me and I did not have many free minutes anyway – being responsible for the education of your uncle, the young prince – but somehow Dwalin always managed to steal a few seconds of my time. Over the years those seconds became hours and we started spending the nights with each other instead of the days. It was still strange, but there is no one in Middle Earth I trust more than Dwalin, not even Thorin – who is also the only one who knows about this, beside you."

"What he's trying to say is," Dwalin interrupts, rolling his eyes but not hiding the faint smiling tugging at his lips "we've seen the way you look at each other."

Kili feels his mouth go dry.

_TBC_


	5. 5th Draw: The Knight

_Hey guys =) This is the last chapter, so thanks for sticking with me… hope you enjoy it! :D_

**5th Draw: The Knight**

There is definitely something kinder Balin and Dwalin could have done than simply leaving them in the training grounds, still speechless and averting each other's gaze. Yet they had, returning to their king, not wanting to meddle any further. They may be right that the rest is none of their business, but still Kili cannot help but curse the two elderly brothers under his breath. They definitely could have made it easier for them.

They sit in silence for what seems to be ages and Kili find himself unable to stop his thoughts from racing. He is caught between the surprise that Balin and Dwalin are lying with each other – something he would not have guessed in all his life – and the panic flooding him, now that he can no longer avoid thinking of his unfamiliar and scary feelings. He desperately wishes for his brother to say something and break the damn silence that gives him dangerously much time to lose himself in said panic.

Finally Fili clears his throat. "Do you… ah… do you want to… go back to training? Or would you prefer going home?"

Kili coughs. "Maybe we could fight again?"

The older one nods and gathers his swords, rising. They are still not looking at each other, terrified of what they might see in their brother's eyes. "Okay then. Let's go."

The two princes take their places and Fili hesitates for a few seconds, before he starts his first attack. The younger one barely manages to block him, having only one sword and being far less skilled. Now that they are once again dancing a potentially deathly dance they have to look at each other and still concentrate on the task at hand. However, Kili is only too aware of every glance lingering longer than it should and now that the scary feelings he had refused thinking about have been given a name he recognizes them as what they are.

It is freaking him out.

Maybe he is fighting with more raw power and less concentration than he should be, and maybe Fili is as well, he does not know, but somehow he ends up with a rather deep, bleeding gash in his arm and they decide to go home, all the time keeping more distance than necessary between them. When they finally reach their place the rooms are empty, their family obviously having left, thus Fili has to tend to the cut. He does so as quickly as possible and Kili tries to ignore the way his heart rate increases whenever the older one touches him (seriously – that had never happened before Dwalin's damned words!). They are barely talking, except for the blond dwarf's frantic apologies, and Kili finds himself getting angrier at Balin with every passing moment. Everything had been fine between them before hearing that blasted story, better than in years (literally), but now?

He knows that Balin and Dwalin are right, deep down he does, although he is still trying to deny it. Fili is his _brother_. This is _wrong_. And if the price for this knowledge (that he did not want to have anyway) is the progress they have made so far… He could cry. Actually that happens a little too often these days.

Fili puts away the bandages and takes a deep breath, squares his shoulders. "I think we have to talk." His voice is full of emotions, although Kili cannot quite read them.

The younger one only nods, following him into their room once again. More awkward silence, and even worse than before. Exactly what he has been dreaming of. "I guess."

They sit down on the bed and neither of them manages to speak up, Kili still being occupied with the revelation and dreading to lose everything they have just got back. Again it is Fili who finally says something.

"Is… is he right?"

Kili curses and screams and rages inside his head, because he _cannot_ lie to his brother, but answering him seems to be harder than anything he has ever done. It means admitting it, saying it aloud and then it will really be true. He gnashes his teeth. "… yes."

Fili lets go of the breath he has been holding and all the tension seems to be leaving his body together with the stream of air. He appears to be incredibly relieved. "I thought I was alone with my… abnormal desires," the older one confesses and Kili cannot help but feel sympathetic and a tiny little bit jealous at the same time. Obviously Fili is already over the admitting- and coping-part, something he can only dream of at this point. "It was why I didn't want to let you come close and why I insisted on you reconciling with uncle… because I knew that under the current circumstance we could not be _brothers_, but I so desperately needed us to be. I thought if we were brothers again… then maybe I could stop wishing for us to be anything else. But as long as you did not make your peace with uncle's decision _brothers_ was impossible." He gulps heavily, lets a hand run through his thick hair and messy braids. Kili still does not dare to look at him, although he cannot stop the frantic racing of his heart and the faint images at the back of his mind. "It hurt seeing you like that… so angry and desperate… still I could you not give what you wanted. It took all of my self-control to make sure I never did anything that could make you find out. But then we fought and I left for the tavern and you were sitting on the doorstep when I came back, looking so small and lost… and I could not bring myself to push you away again, although I should have done it." He takes a deep breath, laughs exhaustedly. "I was aware that that I should tell you. That you should know that it was not your fault that everything was so complicated. However, I could not let you find out. I thought you would hate me if you knew… But hearing that you feel the same… I'm so relieved…"

Kili feels his heavy, expectant gaze linger on him, yet he still keeps his eyes averted. "I… I only realized it when Dwalin told us," he admits, voice hoarse. He does not want his brother to get his hopes up just yet, because at this point he has no idea what he wants. "It's still freaking me out."

"It's freaking me out as well," Fili answers and his voice is softer than Kili has ever heard it.

The younger one suddenly finds himself unable to look away any second longer. His eyes meet the blond prince's too-blue ones and he is gasping for air. However, that does not mean that he has come to terms with these feelings just like that. "That means… it does not get easier?" _Not even when you have finally accepted it as true?_

Fili understands. He smiles softly. "At least not when you think your feelings are unrequited. Or when you are made to talk about it with your brother, all the time feeling like you are breaking every possible taboo." Kili is ridiculously relieved that he is not the only one struggling with this situation. "But… look at Balin and Dwalin. It's easy for them." Fili smiles hesitantly. "They know what they want and they have found it in each other. Yes, they have to keep their relationship a secret, but they do seem to be happy enough. And they say that they do not only feel like lovers, but also like brothers, although it has taken time. It is possible. We could have that too… _brother_."

Kili – to his complete and utter embarrassment – squeaks. "Do I have to make that decision just yet?"

Fili breaks into a wide, amused grin, suppressing the laughter. "No," he snickers. "Take your time."

The younger one, feeling fairly relieved, sticks his tongue out.

"Now – what do you think about a game of chess?"

oOo

Kili lets his fingers run over the intricate pattern. A little more than a week has passed since Balin's story and their conversation. It has taken a little bit of their easiness, but they are still talking and the black-haired archer is more than glad about this. Fili has not spoken of the matter again, giving him time as he has promised. Kili still feels the low rumble in the depths of his stomach and hears that voice at the back of his mind, crying that this is so _wrong_, but he starts to doubt that they will ever vanish. He will learn to live with them, though, if what he gets in exchange is only worth it. He hopes that it will be.

This would not have been enough to convince him, though, quite to the contrary. Spending days pondering over the rightness of one's emotions is nothing he ever wanted to do, but it is not like he could do anything against it, is it? If it were only for his sense of morality he would not be sitting here, waiting for his brother. However, there are the images. He dreams of Fili hugging, and maybe kissing him (he does not yet dare to think about anything else), and them falling asleep cuddled into each other (they have returned to sleeping separately), and being in a romantic relationship. Even if it is a romantic relationship among siblings. He can feel his heart beat faster every time one of these images finds its way into his mind – which is happening more and more frequently – and the reluctance melts away with every second he spends looking into the older one's beautiful eyes.

He knows that this is not going to be easy, but what has ever been since Thorin taking his brother away? And he has come to believe that together they can do anything if they only act in concert.

Again he lets his fingers run over the delicate patterns he has spent so much time working on. He is still a little freaked out, but he is no coward. He _wants_ this, he really wants to make it work. _Easy is overrated_, he thinks, snorting. _We can do this. At least I hope so_.

Then Fili enters the room and any calmness he may have felt is gone. The blond prince cocks his head when he sees his brother sitting on the bed, squirming. "What is it?"

Kili tries to smile, but the frown on the older one's face somehow tells him that the attempt is rather pathetic. "I have something for you," he mutters, averting his gaze.

Fili sits down next to him, all calm and patient. Kili admires his self-control. He may have learned how to be unreadable, even in front of his uncle, but the blond prince crushes any of his cool masks with nothing but his simple presence.

The young archer takes a deep breath. He decides that if smiling did not work, then talking will probably all the less. Thus he simply grabs his brother's hand and closes the thick fingers around one of the two clasps.

With wide eyes Fili stares at the beautiful barrette, eyes finding the second one Kili is still clinging to. "You… made those yourself?"

The younger one only manages to nod.

A smile breaks its way to the blond dwarf's face and he swiftly takes a few strands of blond locks and fixes them with the clasp at the back of his head.

Kili watches him. He feels like there is a hole where his stomach should be and his heart is in his mouth. Hesitantly he also gives the second barrette, brother to the one adorning the older one's thick hair, to the blond prince.

Fili understands immediately, for his smile is dazzling and his eyes are sparkling when he fixes the second clasp on his Kili's head. Then he takes a long time to look at the younger one, taking him in, the smile never wavering. "You want to try it?" he finally whispers, and the relief is clearly visible in his eyes.

The younger one nods again, breathlessly. "I… I'm still afraid," he admits.

Fili's smile softens. "Never think that I'm not. Frankly, this is freaking me out, no matter how happy it makes me at the same time. But I really want to take that chance, whether I am afraid or not."

The corners of Kili's mouth are slowly turning upwards. "Yes," he murmurs. "Me too. I also want to take it. But… can we take everything…"

"Slowly? Of course."

Then Fili is moving towards him and Kili freezes, not sure whether he is ready to kiss his _brother_ just yet, but the older one only wraps his arms around him and snuggles closer, humming contently.

Kili smiles. They are just hugging, but his heart is racing nevertheless and it feels so _right_, despite the _wrong_ echoing in his head. Yes, maybe they can really make this work.

oOo

His uncle does not knock or make his presence known otherwise, however, Kili is well aware of his presence without having to look. The king's gaze is heavy, trying to burn holes into his back.

The dark-haired prince does not bother to turn around, letting his forging hammer crash down onto the blade once more. If Thorin wants something from him he has to approach him. Kili is definitely not going to help him, not with his uncle making everything so hard for him since his and Fili's return. He fixes all of his concentration onto the sword that is taking shape beneath his blows and only when he is finally done, putting the blade into a bucket of cool water and wiping his forehead with a piece of cloth, does Thorin break away from the wall he has been leaning against, striding towards his nephew.

"Kili," he says, his voice revealing nothing, and Kili feels the familiar blank mask settle over his face. It is no longer something he does on purpose when his uncle is around. "I need to talk to you."

The young prince nods, coolly. "Where?"

"We can stay here if you do not mind."

"Of course not." Kili's words are distanced when he takes a seat at one of the chairs for waiting customers, gesturing for his uncle to do the same.

Thorin takes a deep breath, obviously composing himself, before he looks directly at his nephew, piercing blue eyes staring into soft brown ones. "I love you," he says and Kili is startled. "Fili and you, you are my sister-sons and I care for you like I would care for children of my own. I know that I have hurt you with taking Fili with me and I never intended on doing that." He sighs heavily, suddenly looking terribly old and tired. "You know that my own brother Frerin perished in the Battle of Azanulbizar. We were very close, though maybe not as close as you and Fili were before I took him with me, and part of me never recovered from his death. But I did not have any time to grieve, for I had to lead my people – _our_ people – and it was back then that I learned to always put their needs first. I managed to offer them a good life here in the Blue Mountains and I knew that what I had done had been the right thing. I had saved them. It slowly led me to believe that all of my decisions would be right and that I could no longer make any grave mistakes. When I came back and realized what taking Fili with me to raise him as my heir had done to you…" He seems to suppress a shudder. "Teaching Fili to be my heir, to be king one day, had been the only thing to do, considering the current situation. Our people need a king and I have always been reckless, heedlessly running into dangers when I think that will make things better for everyone else. I know that there is a fair possibility that I will not survive one of these dangers one day and teaching Fili was what I had to do for our people. I needed the two of you to grow up, and I needed you to do it quickly. Frerin's death was what took the last remaining bit of my childhood and I thought that separating you from each other was the only way to take yours. It was the right thing to do for our people. Only when I met you again a few weeks ago did I see that it was also wrong, that I had had no right to take Fili with me and leave you behind. I sacrificed your childhood for our kin like I had had to sacrifice mine, although unlike me you still had most of it ahead of you. I should have found another way, but I did not even try to and I apologize for that." His piercing orbs are unreadable, as always.

What makes Kili's heart stutter, however, is the faint smile on his uncle's lips, sadder than anything he has seen on the king's face ever before. He gulps heavily and inclines his head. "Apology accepted," he says formally. Although they are far from forgiving yet he has at least reached understanding.

Thorin takes another deep breath. "Thank you. You have no idea how much it pains me to see you hating me. I know I did wrong, I know that I hurt you, and I know that forgiving me will not come easily. But I love you and I will do anything in my power to atone for my mistake." He rises, making for the door. Before he leaves, however, he turns around, looking at Kili again. "I know that my decision is the reason for the uneasiness and moral struggle you and your brother have found yourselves in now and although I regret deeply putting you into that position in the first place I do hope that you will find the same happiness Balin and Dwalin have found." Then he is really gone.

Kili draws a shuddering breath. _Uncle has told Balin to talk to us_, he suddenly realizes. _I had thought it was mother_. He gulps heavily. Yes, it will him take some time to forgive, but he already knows that in the end he will do so. And although he would never admit it, Thorin's blessing means quite a lot to him. _We have the permission of the king to cast _wrong_ aside_. That is much more than he would ever have expected.

oOo

It happens during a game of chess.

_Of course it does_, Kili thinks wryly, _we seem to be living our life on the chequerboard_. Indeed they have found their repeated games – Kili is still winning every single one, but Fili is slowly getting better – to be a perfect setting for any important (or unimportant, for that matter) conversation. It gives them excuses to be silent for longer periods without the atmosphere being awkward, hiding themselves behind concentration.

Kili is completely lost in their game, his eyes fixed on the pieces, trying to tell what will happen if he draws the bishop and how Fili is going to continue if he decides to move his queen. He does not see the sparkle in the blue orbs that are darting over his face, stopping at the bottom lip he is currently chewing. Suddenly there is a hand on his nape and tender fingers lift his chin. He finds himself forgetting kings and queens under the intense stare and his heart stutters, trying to beat as fast as possible and to stop at the same time. The thumb brushing against his lips makes Fili's intentions very clear, however, the older one does not move and Kili realises that it is his turn. His breath quickens. He is still freaked out, but he has been dreaming of doing this for a few weeks now, and he is most definitely not going to let this opportunity slip away.

Only too aware of the hand on his bare nape, skin against skin, and Fili's own slightly frenetic breathing he lets his forehead lean against the older one's, before burying his hands in the thick blond locks and finally closing his eyes. Then his lips brush against Fili's and his brother's fingers let go of his chin, an arm wrapping around his waist, pulling him closer.

The kiss is hesitant and a little clumsy, but Kili feels ridiculously happy. He climbs onto the older one's lap and melts against Fili's strong chest, their lips interlocked. The _wrong_-cries are still loud, echoing in his head, and then there is a tongue, haltingly running over his lips. For a second he listens to the cries, but then he gives in to what _he_ wants, instead of obeying society's rules. His tongue meets Fili's and suddenly the cries are mute, because this feels so damn _right_.

Kili thinks he may have forgotten his own name when they break apart after what seems to have been hours and moments at the same time. He cannot take his eyes off of his brother, whose cheeks are flushed and eyes bright. His smile is beaming and takes the younger one's breath away once more. He is not really sure what to say, still drowning in the surge of emotions.

Fili has not let go of him. "Fuck ethics," he says, voice hoarse. "Again?"

Kili answers by pressing his body and lips against the older one's once more.

Later that evening they fall asleep with their legs entangled, for the first time since that one night before the conversation with Balin both of them sleeping in the bed. Again Kili's back is leaning against Fili's broad chest, the older one's arm around his waist and their fingers entwined. The black-haired prince actually feels a little cheesy, but he could not care less. This cannot be wrong. It feels way too right and he knows that with Fili at his side he could take everything trying to bring them apart, be it other dwarves or his own conscience. He cuddles into his _brother_ and knows that this is where he belongs.

This is the first game of chess they never finish.

oOo

When he is with Fili everything is easy.

Kili knows that there is nothing he can say or do that could make his brother leave him and wallowing in this knowledge he can be completely himself again. There is no longer the need to put on the blank face or to keep his thoughts back. Fili knows everything about him and there is no secret the older one has kept to himself.

Kili has never imagined they could know each other so well. Sometimes they go for days without actually saying anything apart from the occasional "Checkmate!" (and maybe a whined "Need you!"), only having to look at each other to be able to tell each other's thoughts. This is especially handy when they are off to play just another prank, usually aimed towards their uncle, Balin or Dwalin. Actually their mother is the only one who is safe from their mischief and although Thorin may growl and glare daggers at them they also see the twitching of the corners of his mouth when he finds that his stew has been sugared instead of salted (this particular prank is one of their favourites, for Dis always makes the victims finish their serving, muttering something about not wasting a good meal) yet again. A few months ago the dark-haired prince would have thought it impossible, but he has actually forgiven his uncle and whenever Thorin finds himself on the receiving end of the princes' mischief he knows that one look into the two pairs of incredibly innocent puppy eyes will make him forget everything. Because his nephews are happy again, and he can most certainly take a few pranks in return.

Kili knows that there is someone he can tell everything and who will protect him, no matter what. He has stopped to fear the darkness, because the light of his life is back and Fili is shining brighter than ever. They have actually fought their epic battle (feeling stupid and childish, but happy all the same), all those tiny metal dwarves killing hundreds of orcs, and an argument over whether to attack the elves as well or not had ended in an entirely different activity. Kili does not regret it, although some of his toys had lost their lives in the process. He had reforged them the next day, with Fili standing behind him and watching him curiously and full of awe. Fortunately (or rather unfortunately) Gloin's presence had kept them from doing anything else.

Kili snickers when he thinks of it. It is hard to believe these days that there had been a time when he had hardly ever laughed or even smiled, for now the corners of his mouth seem to be constantly turned upwards. He also makes sure that Fili's cheeky grin is as often as possible lighting up his face and the whole room, for he has not forgotten what he had been thinking so many years ago, before their separation: That making Fili laugh was the meaning of his life. It still is, and he takes pride in saying that he is fairly successful. There is something else he can take pride in as well: Fili does no longer have any trouble sleeping and he has started to mumble again when is losing himself in his dreams. Kili has spent many a night lying cuddled against his brother, simply listening to the unintelligible stream of soft words. He cannot suppress the happy smile when he thinks of it.

"What are you grinning about?" a voice next to his ear asks and the black-haired prince is startled before he turns his head to press a kiss against the cold lips of his brother.

Fili looks like the wind has blown him far into the north and back, judging by the rosy colour of his cheeks and the mop he calls hair. "Are you up for a game of chess?"

The younger one raises an eyebrow, already setting up the board. "Do you really have to ask?"

"I like to see that you are still predictable," the blond prince answers, smiling softly.

The first time when he had said it Kili had thought his heart would stop. By now it only beats a little faster than usually, and he feels slightly giddy. "Be my knight in shining armour," he jokes.

Fili grins broadly. "Only if I get to play white for once."

"… Fine. I'll still beat you."

He does so with first capturing the white knight.

_The End_


End file.
